I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.  

I no longer open a public toilet door  without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.  

I can't use the remote in a hotel room  because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.  

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread  because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.  

I have trouble shaking hands  with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is  picking ones nose
 (although mobile phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip  because I can only imagine how many tonnes of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.  

I can't touch any woman's handbag  for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.  


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS  to whoever sent me the one about poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  

ALSO,  now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.  

I no longer have any savings  because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.  

I  no longer have any money at  all,  but that will change once I receive the $15,000 thatBill  Gates/Microsoft and 
AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.  

I no longer worry about my soul  because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, andSt. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.  

I no longer eat KFC  because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.  

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants  even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.  

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.  

I no longer can buy  petrol  without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat while I'm filling the tank.  

I no longer use Glad Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.  

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW  I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face....  Disfiguring me for life.  

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones  because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.  

I no longer go to shopping malls  because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.  

I no longer receive packages from Australia Post, TNT Couriers or Fed Ex  since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.  

I no longer shop at Target  since they are French and don't support our   troops or the Salvation Army.  

I no longer answer the phone  because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.  

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus  since I now have their recipe. 

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.  

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE  I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath
 my car to grab my leg.  

I can no longer drive my car  because I can't buy fuel from certain petrol companies!  

I can't do any gardening  because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the white tail spider and my hand will fall off.  

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with  diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 pm tomorrow afternoon
 and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.  I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
 door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .  

Oh, by the way.....  

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

 

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