Welcome To Australia

Having ascertained that our flight indeed was an international one and not domestic, we attempted the metal detector machine. After unloading Jacket, cell phones, cigarettes, diamond watch etc, my friend was still setting off the metal detector machine. "Its his braces" the customer officer said

Finally he was convinced, under protest, to remove his braces, and passed through with out any further comment from the machine. His feathers ruffled, he redressed and we carried on. I looked back to see three younger customs officers 'jamming' as if in a band - beating their hands on various parts of the metal detector machine... "Very happy, very relaxed crew", I thought.

At the boarding gate, I was curious and asked the airhostess at the counter "Have you lost any passengers today?"

"Well two of the ground staff downstairs would have had us going through customs down there in order to make this flight.... just thought you might like to know...."

"Oh I'm sorry about that - there should have been someone there to direct you up the escalator!"

I shook my head and said "You might want to see if there's any other passengers from Christchurch going the wrong way"

Later, landing in Adelaide I was struck by the appearance of the airport there - so much like Christchurch's International Airport - as I remembered it about 20 years ago, well I guess they are sister cities.... Christchurch must be the older sister.

We took our time disembarking as we knew we had our own rental car, no tour buses waiting for us, no rush at all. We looked forward to checking into our hotel and enjoying a little snooze as we'd had a very early start that morning from Christchurch.

Whilst queuing at immigration a short woman singled us out and asked us "Why have you come to Adelaide?"

"My friend's daughter here wants to study at one of your hotel management schools here next year and we've just come to have a look at it. We've made appointments with the director of international students there".

rather surprised I said, "Well no, everything was conducted by email and phone calls, there's a stack of emails in my computer back home"

I thought "Well since I can't actually remember how to spell 'Hotel Rendezvous Allegra" at this time of day and the fact that we were going on to Melbourne to stay at "The Westin" as well, which wouldn't all fit into the pathetically small space left for us to write in, I felt the word "Hotel" was sufficient - it had never been a problem before."

I said, "Oh sorry about that, I didn't realise you needed a specific name - its called 'The Allegra'I think"

"Just four nights, then we go on to Melbourne for two nights, then back to Christchurch."

Like a dog with a bone, she then asked "And how do you fit into this - what's your relationship with this family?"

At this stage I started to get really concerned as things could really start to get out of hand here (by this time we'd reached the immigration desk where the new recruit carefully took our passports and started to examine them and us, one by one).

Anyone involved in the travel industry here, would probably know from where my concerns were arising...

As a paid driver of a "passenger service vehicle" I need to be licensed accordingly, otherwise, if pulled over by a policeman and discovered, would then be liable to tens of thousands of dollars of fines.
Since it is a passenger service we're talking about here..... someone who makes the rules, in Land Transport, (once called The Ministry of Transport) decided that the rental van I would use was a taxi..... but wait its not really a taxi.... hmm. So in order to get around that one, they decided I need to apply for a "taxi signage exemption certificate" so that I don't need to put a taxi sign on the roof and a pricing schedule in and outside of the van.... however I must still have this:

If you have any complaints
Regarding the operation of this
Service, contact either:
Andrew Boyd 021 997798, or
Land Transport Safety Authority
151-153 Kilmore Street,
Christchurch Tel 3635666

Unique Vehicle Identity Number:

ZF 4308

somewhere visible in the front of the van, and also in the back (usually on the left hand side). (Failure = $500 fine)
Because not only must I have a passenger endorsement on my license (formerly referred to as a 'C' class license) I must have a passenger service operator's license - or work for someone who does. Which is why my name appears on the complaints notice in the van.
Not only must I have the above, I must also keep a detailed log of all stops and starts each day in the logbook, I must have my ID card with photo also visible from the front of the van (failure = $150), a copy of the taxi signage exemption certificate, and A copy of my passenger service operator license to show to any police officer who might want to have a look. And last of all, my name, address (suburb only) and telephone number stuck (magnetised stickers) on each front door!

To be caught in New Zealand "unlicensed with paying passengers" is a real major offence and I was concerned my new little friend, might just start to see me in this light...

The new recruit at the immigration desk, then asked us why we were coming to Australia and I had to explain it all again. By this time, everyone else off the flight had passed through immigration. An officer, watching over the recruit's shoulder also asked us some questions before letting us proceed to baggage check with The Australian Quarantine Inspection Service. Turning away from the immigration desk to walk on to AQIS we were approached by yet another (short) officer asking what was going on here and why were we coming to Australia. Fearing an imminent Jacque Cousteauesque feeding frenzy I hastily gave him my now well practiced spiel.

In the meantime my friend is spouting vociferously on Australian customs officers ineptitude and lack of professionalism, with the usual Chinese references to things that should have been done to their mothers...

"Well he's actually expressing his disappointment at the way he, as a potential client of an Australian school where he'll be forking out probably in excess of 50,000 AUD in school fees and accommodation per year, is being treated here today".

"Well I'm sorry that he feels that way, but we have to make sure people are who they say they are, I'm sure you'll be out of here soon".

We headed for green, still holding our passports he walked us to red.... "Bugger" I thought

At this stage there must have been about 20 officers hanging around trying to look busy.... giving me the distinct feeling that something was up....

The short immigration officer then took our passports away and started showing them to other officers and looking at us occasionally.

We were then split up, my friends to one inspection bench, my self to another... the female officer assigned to me being incredibly obsequious introduced herself to me and told me she was my customs officer and that she would have to inspect my luggage "Your name is Andrew Boyd? Do you mind if I call you Andrew!?"

My skin crawling from the unnecessary fake spiel I was getting, I thought "No I want you to call me 'Mr Boyd', - bitch!"

"Yes, I've know them for about 6 years - I've helped him keep an eye on the kids while they've been at school in Christchurch - they were in Homestays most of the time, now they live in their own home..."

Helplessly I looked over to the other bench where the daughter's baggage was being completely emptied out onto the bench and ravaged by three white pointers while a fourth (could have been a blue) nipped in and used some kind of swab-cum-sniffing device to swab around the inner lining of her suitcase and then take that swab to a machine on the other side of the room to see if it could find something the Labrador in the immigration queue couldn't.

At this stage, my friend on seeing his daughter's distress (she was in tears by now) was so enraged he said to me "Fuck this we didn't come here to be treated like criminals, Andrew, ring up the travel agent and have her get us on a flight tomorrow back to Christchurch. There's no way I'm going to have my daughter have to go through this sort of palaver alone, next time she comes back into Australia, we might as well not waste our time here - in this place where birds wouldn't lay eggs and dogs wouldn't even bother to shit."

"Oh dear" my officer said "What's wrong with him? What's he saying, why's she crying?"

My friend then said to the customs staff next to him, in English: "Tomorrow we go back to New Zealand - my daughter not study here!"

I replied to her "He just doesn't get off on being treated like a criminal - do you treat all your incoming Asian passengers this way?"

At this stage the manager came out and said "We have to do these checks its all part of our job!"

"Why don't you tell us what your concerns are? No one has told us why our passports have been taken off us! Why all the mystery - its like as if someone has told you to expect us and that we're big deal crooks or something. Welcome to Australia - now go home! I can see you guys are way overstaffed here, your thoroughness here with this little family is like using a shotgun on a mosquito!"

Finally, unbelievably we were let go, the adrenalin rushing, we fled outdoors for a smoke. I couldn't help noticing the contrast in staffing - the worlds largest rental car company desk was manned by a phone with a sign: "please call this number and someone will come over from the domestic terminal"

"Andrew, when I get back to Taiwan, I'm going to go to the Australian embassy and throw eggs at it!!"

Later: "Andrew, When I go back I'm going to go to Taipei and make a formal complaint, this is just not on, I know they have their job to do, but when you go through someone's luggage you don't have to take everything out like that - I've never seen it done like that before, everywhere else I've been they just go through it layer by layer they don't actually need to take it all out for God's sake! And they're much more polite! And what's with the continually asking us what we were doing there? Are they deaf?"

"You know, I don't think they're that experienced - I got the feeling that our flight was like some kind of lesson for them and we were just their guinea pigs"